Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You Might Also Like
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.