wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
oppen heimer style lol
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
This cat wants you to take your pills
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.