Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Herpes is trending, good job people
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball