I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*looks at you in batman voice*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit