I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
just gave your address to some spiders
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
who did the taste test?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.