[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*