Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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Snapes on a plane.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.