Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Social Media and Real life
Milk Cube
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.