If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.