‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.