Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.