A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?