Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.