If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu