I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Best spot.. 😅
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
HR said no more nunchucks.