dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You Might Also Like
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sounds like a bargain
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery