HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
why isn’t he texting back
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.