One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over š¬š¤
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. ššš
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
ŹÉqĒ uo pɹÉoqŹĒŹ É Źnq ı ĒÉÆıŹ ŹsÉ× ĒÉ„Ź sı sıɄŹ
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say āthere you goā to my dogs so thatās why they always think my packages are for them
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: maāam, pls stop touching the bread
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself āthis is some real bullshit right hereā
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yoās school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Why hasnāt somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called āOn What Grounds?ā Send
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My kid was mad at me and said, why donāt you CROCHET!?? and it made me laughā¦and made her madder.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, āYou realize pretty quickly that a lot of them arenāt that smart.ā I think about that quote every single day.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didnāt answer his message and then he got upset I didnāt answer his messageā¦ and yāall say women are weird.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.