Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.