Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Bless you
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
You can’t rush stupid.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.