Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.