Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign