“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”