I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
You Might Also Like
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Follow me for more recipes
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
absolute chaos
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it