Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Well, that should do it