My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
How wrong was this guy?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?