why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.