Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dad is at it again
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.