I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”