I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
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An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
When you kidnap a writer.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one