On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My work here is done
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.