KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
…żyje?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.