But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?