It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
congratulations to them
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.