hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
mechanics be like