Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I finally found a reason to live again.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.