On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
accurate
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams