15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
at ease…shoulder.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.