DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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This kinda thing happens to me often
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
In banana years, I am bread.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”