Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no