[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
oh shit
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.