The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…