Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..