VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.