As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.