my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
went fishing caught a bass
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.