My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.