[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
yes, those are my real potatoes.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
How about daylight saves us for once
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”