You Might Also Like
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.