okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.